Missing You Buffy's story
by sunlit5
Summary: Buffy's feelings over the summer of 2002


Missing You   
Perspectives 

summer of 2002  
Spoilers: all of season 6 especially Seeing Red  
Buffy POV  
COC: Buffy & Dawn  
Rated: PG 13  
Copyright of characters- Joss and co.  
Site: http://sunlit.portkey.org  
Feedback- yes please. Email NOSPAMsunlitnickel@excite.com   
when you write you remove the NOSPAM so it would be sunlitnickel@...com ok? This is to prevent, duh, spam.  
Wanna post this somewhere? Ask me. Thanks.  
Author: sunlit 

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Missing You - Buffy's story 

I'm so glad I locked my bedroom door last night. Sometimes I forget, sometimes on purpose; hoping to get caught I guess. This morning when Dawn tried to barge in, she couldn't, and it gave me just enough time to slip out of his coat and sling it under the bed. 

Willow was on the phone and wanted to talk to me. She sounds better. This trip to England was doing her good. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

I'm sitting on the couch watching reruns with Dawn; that's the only good thing about this summer, lots of sisterly bonding time, and the great thing about reruns, you don't have to pay much attention to them to be able to make conversation later. Dawn asks me whom I'd rather see Rachel end up with, Joey or Ross. Ahh an easy question. I tell her that Rachel loves Ross and that love conquers all. She gives me a look that says she thinks I'm the biggest dork on the face of the planet, so I lightly punch her in the arm. A pillow fight ensues. I let her win.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm in the kitchen making popcorn and reheating my coffee. Coffee- a great drink if you don't want to sleep. Strange how a simple act like putting a mug in the microwave can remind me of him. 

I don't think Dawn knows, but there's a small jar of pig's blood hidden in the crisper of the refrigerator. I'll throw it out one day. I will. I know I will. 

I take my coffee and popcorn back to the living room where Dawn is flipping through channels. She asks if there's extra butter on the popcorn as she takes the bowl. 

"Of course." I sip my drink. 

She tosses a few kernels in her mouth. 

I should be getting ready to go out on patrol, but I don't want to. It wears me out, makes me tired, and the thing I try to avoid most these days is sleep. Sleep brings dreams and dreams bring thoughts of... my thoughts are interrupted by Dawn's query, "So, are we going out soon?"

"Actually, I was thinking no." 

Then Dawn reminded me that I had promised and that she had only gone out with me once this week. 

"Ya know school's starting soon, (God, a whole summer without him), you'll need to get back on track, you know, sleep before two a.m.?" 

"Fine." Dawn says, "We can stay here and watch Lexx." She gives me a knowing look. 

Yeah, because I don't know enough about unconventional sexual situations. "You know I don't like you watching that show." 

Dawn smiles, "Hmm, then we'd better patrol huh?" 

The little manipulator reminds me of Spike. They spent so much time together. They actually talked, sometimes I'm a little jealous. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

The night is cold and I pull my jacket around me a little tighter. Dawn comments on the weather, something about the chill and the coming of fall. The coming. Spike coming. I tell myself to stop it. The fall. The only way you can tell a season has changed in Sunnydale is by my boyfriends; I seem to lose one a year. My brain sings, "which brings us back to Spike". Great! Now I can't even think of Julie Andrews' songs without him popping in my head! 

I ask her if she missed him and she didn't even ask who. "After what he did!?" she exclaims. 

I tried once more to explain but she didn't want to hear. I understand. It's kinda hard to explain away attempted rape. I've come to grips with it, well kind of. I felt that way when Angel went away. A sort of 'don't go, I know you love me kind of thing'. I'm not excusing it, but I... understand. 

A vamp attacks and I take my time slaying it. I toy with him, using moves that Dawn and I have practiced lately. Dawn watches intently. After I dust him I ask Dawn if she noticed any variations on the moves. We discuss the fight for a while and then fall into comfortable silence. 

Dawn breaks it by quickly asking, "Would it be wrong if I did?" 

I didn't have to guess what she meant. "No, I don't think so." 

"But he tried to hurt you." 

"I haven't forgotten. I just think things got... out of hand" 

Dawn angrily asks, "How could I miss someone like that? How could I still..." she cut herself off, so I finished her sentence for her. 

"How could you still love him?" 

Dawn nods. 

"I don't know." How can I? "The two of you spent a lot of time together. He cared for you." Dawn looks down at me. "I don't know Dawn, I just don't have an answer." 

We walk home each lost in our own thoughts. Dawn thanks me for taking her on patrol then heads up to bed. I'm tired, but I don't want to sleep. I busy myself rearranging weapons in the new case that Xander made for them. The front is a fake bookcase that slides open to reveal the weapons concealed inside. It's pretty cool. 

Great, now I'm even more tired. I lock up, turn off the lights then trudge up the stairs. Should I lock my door tonight? Will anyone come in and catch me? Why do I need to be caught? Why can't I just admit it? All these questions haunt me as I sit on the bed and pull off my boots. I should just go to them and say it. I stand and take off my jeans. Wearing only my tank top and panties I reach under my bed searching for it. Where the hell is it? I start to panic, then a touch of leather, ahh there it is. I pull the coat out from under the bed and slip it on. 

I don't lock the door. 

I slide into bed. 

Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to say it, to the scoobies, to myself.

I miss him. 

~FIN~ 


End file.
